Jan. 7th, 2012

dclarion: (Default)
I was fourteen years old.  I had already thought of leaving the house in which I had grown up.  I was treated horribly by my parents; I well knew that it was not a case of my resisting authority.  I did not know how I might find employment to pay rent and buy groceries, but I thought that just about anything I would face would be better than what I faced then.  Until I thought more.  I was intelligent and foresightful; too much so, I suppose.  I knew the risk I would be taking.  I was afraid of destitution, of hunger and cold.

You played the Offenbach Barcarolle for me.  Even before that gentle kiss, we knew.  We were terrified.  I was terrified because I knew that my parents would do everything in their power to come between us, to make life a Hell for us both, and they had a lot of power.  I could have made clear to you how I felt about you, I could have stood my ground against them.  Perhaps I would have gone down, but I would have gone down fighting.  Instead, I froze.  I was afraid of the war I faced, the loss of what seemed like security that would result.

I traded everything away, all of it.  I began then, and continued trading for the next forty years.  I traded away everything for security which is still not mine.  For the things I would never have anyway, I traded away the two things most dear to me.  I traded away you, and I traded away myself.

May 2013

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