Jan. 15th, 2012

dclarion: (Default)
I want to love and be loved.  Why is that so much to ask?
dclarion: (Default)
I remember.  I was in the ICU, having undergone cranial surgery the previous day.  I knew what the place was, I knew why I was there, but that wasn't the point.  Around me, there was nothing.  There was only the hospital bed with me in it, in the midst of a dark, silent vacuum.  I curled my arm on the pillow, trying to find a way to lay my head upon it such that the pain might be a little less.  It wasn't the searing pain of a burn or a stab wound; it was hollow, it was crushing.  It was the most intense pain I had ever known, yet it was nothing.  How could nothing hurt so much?  I heard the sounds around me.  They were distant, light-years away.  I knew that, periodically, I was receiving codeine injections.  I also knew that the codeine might as well have stayed in the vial, for all the good it was doing me.  Nothing.  There was only nothing, the most painful nothing I had ever known.

I remember it.  That is what my spirit feels today.

May 2013

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