dclarion: (Default)
Sobbing, shaking, I am cold.  Around me, there is only emptiness.  In heated arguments all those years ago, I would never have thought it possible, but I am grieving.  I am grieving, not for what I have lost, but for what I never had and what was never to be had.

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel.  I am lost.  I need to hold on.  I need to get through this.
dclarion: (Default)
Especially to Jessie and Marie, I offer this:

They have written me out of their lives.  For some degree of closure, I have lain them to rest.  It tore my heart from me to do this, but I felt it necessary to preserve my sanity.  They can now have their world without me, I will keep a memorial to attempt to fill the void.

The first section of my post describes my feeling that their souls died long ago; when, I'm not sure.  As I search my memory, it must have happened before they adopted me; I wonder if it happened when my mother had the emergency hysterectomy.  There are stories that describe them as decent and honorable people; if they once were, I never knew them that way.  But I think again, and wonder if, in my father's case, that description isn't entirely accurate; I can remember a very few times when he was honorable, even good, but never while my mother was around.  I will treasure those moments with him for the rest of my own life.

They want me to begone.  I will comply, but please allow me to set a stone in memory, or perhaps a desire for what never was or could be.

In Memoriam

Nov. 7th, 2011 02:48 pm
dclarion: (Default)
I do not know the precise time, place, or manner of their passing.    I know only that, upon discovery, the remains were already badly decomposed.  Knowing only the date of discovery, I set that here, in memory.

All I wanted was to be able to love them.  I was alien, I did not know how.
I will not remember them in bitterness, nor will I long to change history; that serves no purpose.
In my world-view, there is no resurrection, but there is an afterlife.
As I lay them to rest, with a great emptiness in my heart, I wonder: Is that emptiness their eternal life?

Edward, Father  16 March 1925    - 6 November 2011
Lillian, Mother    18 October 1924 - 6 November 2011

Requiescant in pace
dclarion: (Default)
And I'm cold.  I'm so cold.

May 2013

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