dclarion: (Default)
[personal profile] dclarion
It is, perhaps, a good thing that my Abit-based machine crapped out on me, a couple of days ago (I believe that the CPU died).  Perhaps, it is time to begin consolidating things, to begin scaling down.  It is not that I want to do less, but perhaps I can use less to do more, or even rearrange my priorities.

There are things that I'd like to do: I still want to learn how the standard UNIX job scheduler (cron, for those of you who know it) works; I might be able to use the core code for another, somewhat similar, purpose.  There are things that I need to do: I've had sketches of a trio sonata laying around for at least twenty-five years; the piece is wanting a dedication, but before I can dedicate it, I have to finish it and be satisfied with it.  Most of all, I have to finish myself, and be satisfied with that.

Throughout my life, most of what I have tried to do, I tried to do in order to be acceptable to someone; when I would be reminded that I can be acceptable to no-one, everything would fall to pieces, and I would ultimately do nothing, and even be nothing.  It is difficult for me to do and be for myself.  My world-view requires that life be shared to have value; consider that an ingot of the purest gold is worthless unless someone wants it.  What I am and what I can do are not considered desirable; how, then, do I imbue them with value?

The Studio is finally becoming reasonably pretty, but what good is that unless another can find beauty and warmth here?  I have had to live my life in barest isolation.  I can continue to do so, and cry for want of more; pictures on the walls and music in the air are not necessary for that.  Where is the mind of the scientist and soul of the artist who might find a place here?  Where is the tongue that might taste the bread, find it pleasing, and make it worth the baking?

How long will it be before this collapses in on itself once more, and I scale down to nothing?

May 2013

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